Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
Apr 13, 2025 – 5:57
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
Apr 4, 2025 – 6:15
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
Mar 28, 2025 – 6:13
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
Mar 21, 2025 – 6:27
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
Mar 15, 2025 – 7:01
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
Mar 7, 2025 – 6:11
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'
Feb 28, 2025 – 6:25
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
Feb 21, 2025 – 6:19
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
Feb 14, 2025 – 6:16
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
Feb 7, 2025 – 6:06
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
Jan 31, 2025 – 6:13
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
Jan 24, 2025 – 6:02
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
Jan 17, 2025 – 6:03
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
Jan 10, 2025 – 6:27
‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
Jan 3, 2025 – 6:09
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
Dec 20, 2024 – 5:53
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
Dec 13, 2024 – 6:20
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
Dec 8, 2024 – 5:50
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
Nov 29, 2024 – 6:22
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
Nov 22, 2024 – 6:13
When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
Nov 15, 2024 – 5:53
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Nov 8, 2024 – 6:02
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
Nov 1, 2024 – 5:50
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
Oct 26, 2024 – 6:19
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
Oct 18, 2024 – 6:41
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
Oct 11, 2024 – 6:10
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Oct 4, 2024 – 6:59
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Sep 30, 2024 – 6:56
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
Sep 20, 2024 – 6:27
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
Sep 13, 2024 – 6:13
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Sep 6, 2024 – 6:34
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
Aug 30, 2024 – 6:34
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
Aug 23, 2024 – 6:11
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
Aug 16, 2024 – 6:14
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
Aug 9, 2024 – 6:29
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Aug 3, 2024 – 6:16
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
Jul 26, 2024 – 6:40
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
Jul 19, 2024 – 6:08
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
Jul 12, 2024 – 6:13
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
Jul 5, 2024 – 6:33
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
Jun 28, 2024 – 6:11
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
Jun 21, 2024 – 6:30
Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
Jun 14, 2024 – 6:54
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
Jun 7, 2024 – 6:23
Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
May 31, 2024 – 6:58
‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
May 24, 2024 – 6:33
‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?
May 17, 2024 – 6:19
‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’
May 10, 2024 – 6:39
Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?
May 3, 2024 – 6:30
Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
Apr 27, 2024 – 6:20

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